Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
