well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
