Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
