the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
