my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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