Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
