Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
