new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
