had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
