Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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