chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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