you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
