don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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