you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
