Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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