I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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