I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
