I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it's like iHOP with fire
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
