he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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