Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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