i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
