It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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