You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
