i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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