Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
