I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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