Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
