I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
