I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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