I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
