My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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