Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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