I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
