Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
