He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
