if you like me you must not know who I am
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
