great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he quoted the bible to break up with me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
