Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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