If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
