What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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