He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
