i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
