1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
