I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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