We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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