if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
