awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
