I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
