my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize