its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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