Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
