Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
