you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize