It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
