I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
