At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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