just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
