Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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