just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I love having hate sex.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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