Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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